I was going back in my notebook to re-read something I had written the day after falling into sin. Actually, I don't know that I would consider it a "falling" - more of a running.
Sometimes I feel so powerless over sin once my mind gets running. It reminds me of the story I heard once (true story or not, the illustration is good)
I was told that the way Eskimos will get a wolf is they dip a big knife in deer blood, let it freeze, then do that over and over until they have made a "blood popsicle". Then they will pack the knife handle in the snow with the blade sticking out of the ground. Eventually a wolf will smell the blood, find the knife, and start licking the blood. By the time the wolf gets down to the blade, they are in such a frenzy, they are slicing their own tongue and do not realize that the blood they are now enjoying is their own.
That is an illustration of us in our sin. We can get worked into such a frenzy that we become blind to anything else. Blind to the consequences, nothing else matters in that moment. It is extremely scary to consider that God's Word warns repeatedly of a hardening of the heart, a giving over to sin. Imagine looking back on your life and saying, "yea, there was a time I believed in God, but I just don't any more - this life is it, so I am just going to do what I want, when I want." There are people that say that and are fully convinced in their mind they are right, they do not even realize they are suppressing the Truth in unrighteousness.
This is a warning we must heed! That is why, by God's Grace, I wrote down the reasons I am so focused the day after a fall; so I can remind myself of these things every day:
The shame that comes from a fall is as overwhelming as the powerlessness felt before the fall. Praise God for the shame, when you are not ashamed of your sin there is a problem.
Fear that I am not a child of God, but instead I am a child of the devil. After all, 1John makes it clear that the evidence of being one or the other lies in ones practicing sin versus righteousness.
The conviction of the Holy Spirit that hell is right for me; God would be Just in sending me to hell to spend eternity under His Wrath
Desire to do better
I want to be obedient to God, I want to be holy, I want to do everything according to His will
As I wrote this in my notebook I remember thinking, is this what David was talking about in Psalm 51 when he said, "I know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me." I used to think this was a bad thing that David's sin was "ever before him" - but now I consider the possibility that this is a blessing - to have the sin, and specifically the shame of that sin, ever before you as a reminder; "this is how this end - are you sure you want to do this?"